NINE TAILS

There are five cats that sit in the alleyway and fight each other every single night. A mother and her purse are victims to the world at a late hour, tired and both used. Moss grows over a lawn sign and is laid over grossly, large old places, lost, in a new world. 

You will cry when you watch the drug addicts dance at night, resenting their freedom and liberty that the confines of your apartment halt you from experiencing. And when the night is ripe for a drive and close observation, you will cry more because the world is strictly saddened for those who understand it. 

I used to feed the ducks at the lake but the ducks died one day. That did make me cry. 

After I came to the understanding that smaller animals died sooner, I too understood that my life would be short and sweet and lovely. 

I'm sort of in a rut because my life sort of changed and I am left with these great emotions of love and God and fate and death. 

Pardon the paragraphs above, they are total metaphorical nonsense. 

I’ve never slept, or at least it hasn’t felt like I've ever done so. I ran around last week in total emotional zombification and strangeness. 

I drank every day in celebration for something unknown. Prayed. Fucking prayed that I’d love or that she would. Big gnarly glasses of wine and beers till I slumped dead. Just a breath of the new garden. Taking it all in and celebrating the fact that…

We sat on my bed and drank beers until the truth came out about how much we liked each other and I know that one day she’ll be gone and I’ll still hold these deep intimate feelings. And I’ll probably die because when you're young and sparks still fly like this, the world is so fucking limitless. What is better than this? When your little heart can’t take too much more and it's hardly from the love-sickness and more from the intimate addiction to booze or lack of sleep. And she’s gawking at the fact that you have so many Vietnam war books in your bathroom and that little tiny green reflecting sparkle from the top right corner of her glasses catches your eye, only to be gone so quickly and the only thing left to look at is her beautiful vast eyes that you’ve seen before but you're too stupid and young and afraid to ever tell her that. 

And how all of it feels really emotional like a boiling oil drum beating loudly in your stomach and ready to explode out of your mouth. 

Sometimes you really feel like you have the world, I’ll tell you so. 

After years of nothingness and loss and heartbreak, this feels so undeserved and relentlessly so. 

It all chokes up real bad. Not just the emotions. Everything. Lunch. Snot. 

Crying loudly at the type. Calling people about how much you like someone and how really insane it all feels. 

Choking on your voice. Choking on memories of life and these poor people that didn’t understand love, but knew how to say it. 

Thinking about the people that did it right, about those who did it wrong. Summing it all up to the fact that things like these must be taken day-by-day or night-by-night. 

Feeling raw emotion and I mean really raw fucking sickening emotion that keeps your eyes wide and stomach purring until you just croak a weird sad fiendish death. An evil monkey perched on your back that's got a lance stabbed through your back and straight on through your heart. 

She said cursing in text is corny and to that I agree, 

Fuck

Because it is. It isn’t prose. It's goblin popcorn and relate-bait for the masses because everybody does it. 

And she sits on my lap like the perfect fucking ending to a thousand piece puzzle. Blah. Blah. Blah. 

She’s really just gorgeous and a beacon of hope for sensitive men because sensitive men are sensitive because of sensitive, confidential things and sensitive men have been hurt by weird places and heartbeats and fathers and are left to just be sensitive by themselves surrounded by junk that they love and that really is me and this beautiful Mary character kissed my lips last night and told me the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard and I did cry. I did cry just a little bit in front of her while Robert Smith mentioned something about spiderman and her beautiful legs sprawled across my lap with her tiny white socks with hearts on them. She made me feel really loved and I have never felt that way before. 

And beyond my eyes and brain I saw this world. A beautiful big navy blue dark world that opened as I heard these words leave her mouth with the faint smell of her Miller Light trailing into my nose in combination with an insanely GREAT oral hygiene regiment and this fucking beautiful woman infront of me. 

I couldn’t help but lose myself on a night like this one. Really. Just amazed by life and love and how powerful it all is. 

note to self;

If it ends, just know, It’s real

its really fucking real