2018-2019 archive. favorites from a more novice era in my life. 

they don’t have titles.

1

The soil and dirt

as I look down 

at the soil and earth

looks to hold cracks for 

my long tired gaze

At nights end when

the sun’s arms finish 

holding the leaves 

and the bee’s knees 

you start to wonder when the holes                                                                             

in the mud rupture light

It’s twisted you see 

as far as light reaches 

some things never seem to 

align to the

ticking 24 hour time 

but the farther you look

down into the big abyss of dirt

and the more more soil you spill on

your joy division t-shirt

That just maybe down there they bask 

the rocks and the seeds 

resting with the bones of giants 

in peace

in the weight of patience 

in the contrary of fast 

they wait and wonder 

in the hopes they are not last

Patient seeds, patient rocks

patient bones, patient needs

it’s just light they wish to see 

nothing too frivolous

nothing too free

But for a break they wait

one from far under the ground 

something of rupture

one with no sound 

a long wait they wait

to see what we see 

much like today

they are anxious to be pleased

2

Circa this

predate that

I swear all things 

are fake and fat

Precisely to 

an ambiguous tee

fuck that

it makes no sense to me

3

What are good ways to say 

congratulations 

should I pull my gun like a

roaming cowboy?

should I present a cake 

in broad daylight

with a flavour in your

favor?

defining my choice would be hard

so here's a twenty-five dollar gift card.

4

It’s fourteen times three

she said it before me

before us could be we  

and fourteen times three

times two times me 

was the miles she’d stretch

to finally be care free

Well I’d walk that too!

i’d say with rapport 

and fourteen times twenty-two

times nine times you

would be the miles i’d walk 

to tell you my fifteen times four

5

It would be weird to wake up 

with five blinks left

five times to strain your eyes 

a five eyes time to find everything

you found nice

a slice of life divided by five 

for the rest of time

what could you see?

Well, if it were up to me

instead of climbing the great tree

to see what the world has to be 

i’d look down

and spend all five

a little north of the soup stain 

and a tad south of the fries 

with a sunday night behind us

in-formally your eyes

6

A delicious night sky

to appetize 

to dine for two

rendezvou

Hamburgers we’ll take

mr moon

or cereal with milk

and spoon

Let's look up and feel full tonight

because it’s all I crave to do

I wanna’ eat, I wanna’ stare 

We have soup, is that fair?

as long as i’m eating 

to share some heartbeating 

with you

 shes all

I am the driver of my car

and the sun begins to grant you

warmth of four in the afternoon.

deaths dance is what i dream of but 

i realize my age is coming soon. 

Confused?

me too. 

I can see your ghost haunting my passenger seat

with black eyes and beautiful black eyeliner

in my mind i see these pink checkered tiles and glass 

block window installations

thinking that maybe our thing would be greek interior.

and we would live in this video age where you liked my music

and we played video games. 

and life would be where it was when it died

I see the long sundown, and visions of you in this bright

warm afternoon

maybe sometime later in my life 

if i get that far.

but hoping that i can count on you is getting to me

theres this day out there that another me has lived where

you are

3/16/23

 im feeling: stupid

so i released the idea of you tonight
for a fair wind
and the fresh air
friend i love with my heart..

the ocean with this smoke makes me quiet
and helps my mind sleep. familiar times these are. less people and my wet socks.
this light in the back of a restaurant helps me tie the night, you said your words.

 on several better notes. 

its been two years.

No drunken texts 

No calls

Nothing, 

and i see this alive myself 

and i see this transcendent being that buds in my life

in the form of a giving tree. 

they've never bought me lunch or kissed me

not of platonic and romantic.

just this alive them….

problematic, but a nice addition. 

they don't ask me for anything, they just exist as an equal

it's been nice having them.

i hope one day you read this.

am i just crazy?

Or were you there. 

Everything is so loud, and my mind can't concentrate. 

I swore that you were there because of your white top, and your jet black hair.

I'm doing this thing to a binaural beat.

Imagining your face and your hands holding mine in a dark room, 

to these sound waves. watching myself let go of your hands. 

into an internal pit of darkness. 

I think my mind saw you and chased you like a rabbit.

I, concerned, held a stern face. the red light illuminated half

of my face. and I saw your shoulder. 

I wanted to leave so badly. I think that's how I know. 

you are so much better gone. 

/2/27//2023

 I think about the greatest story ever told quite often.

On a note somewhere writes the winning strategy for defeating all evil in the world.

Evil may be something you and I disagree on, but my word

is not blinded in poetry. 

I drank blindly yesterday to conjure the feelings that I lost last year. If I feared the everlasting end to my life, I would be here right now. For some odd reason, I feel. Since the day I closed the door, I've been alluded to and clouded by something dark.  

Some sort of evil that keeps me loving and holding on to the lost life I once had. The comfort of it. Everything since has felt cold and dead. 

I found her. Rooted in selfishness. In this concurrent memory. I studied my memories and I live in them. I remember that the ghosts of my memory are no longer here to stay, but the beings in them live alive and well. They care for me as they used to, and I care for them concurrently. 

She told me that there was no such thing as selflessness. 

All selflessness is rooted in selfishness.

The ghosts of my past conjured and stared. Some agreeing and others disagreeing in her statement. My glass braced my palm. And was set aside to grip this statement. Her eyes changed, and our sex became different. In every memory. And the trees dried up to die outside of my window. Something had changed then. I wasn’t aware of the new lane my consciousness guided me through. But she left and I remained sad. If the libation of sharing morality is not given with someone you hold closest, what else may you benefit from? 

So I return to my memory with comfortable clothes. Knowing that the ghosts and the note of the answer exist. 2/20/23

 i was shot in the face on tuesday. i had headphones on, i played video games. Life is different now. setting my alarms, waking up later. i have absolutely zero motive to be the me i was with you.

i guess i was fake. i want to make you dinner. We used to eat these little ice creams because i loved you and we picked them out.

There was one night i woke up and the window was open. i saw the tree on the side of our house and i saw the moon. It was colder then. you were so warm and there with me.

we had sex that night and we also had eaten something you made for dinner. I think it was curry shepherds pie. your naked shoulders. i wrapped my arm around you. and i told you i loved you. you were asleep. i thanked the moon and stars and god for you. 

that was 2 years ago. and it feels like yesterday. everything feels like yesterday. but i think i just hold on to the thought of you. 

sometimes i forget you aren't here.

i think about what we could have done. 

ive come to terms with loving you. I thought that maybe that with time Id grow to hate you more than i did, but i actually cannot. I think about your laugh and your smile. your little fits.

i just think the world has a little more for you than me. and that's okay. the world has a place for me 2.

2/17/23

good morning/night -18jan23

 It's so cold all the time. I don't have any heating where I live. the sky is very dark and consuming far too early. I rest my head on my pillow and wait.

I am terrified of ghosts. but the ghosts go away when the sun comes back up, its too bad that hasn't happened in a while. I am cold and I have no blankets. I am cold and I have no skin.

the ghost always puts its makeup on next to me. my gums bleed because I lose my attention of effectively brushing my teeth, in awe of what is standing next to me. Its translucent and tall, with hallowed eyes. 

But I am cold and I can't give too much attention to the ghost

minus the iron taste

i can't freeze tonight